Grandma's Blog

My grandma sends me many emails every day, most of them are jokes. I thought I'd share today's sampling.

Living Will

Last night my sister and I were sitting in

the den and I said to her,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state,

dependent on some machine and fluids from a

bottle to keep me alive. That would be no

quality of life at all... if that ever happens,

just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer,

and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.


A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl..
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very
well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked
him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds? -
~~Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?-
~~ It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand Does either of you have a real grudge?
~~ No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean What are your relations like? -
~~All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage? -
~~We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
~~ No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
~~ No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
~~- She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? -
~~ I got proof.

What kind of proof? -
~~ She going to poison me.

Why do you say she is going to poison you?-
~~She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say:
"Polish Remover"



Top 10 Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22...

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on-the-road...

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times...

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup...

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo....

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space...

#4 - A gun functions normally every day of the month...

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these grips make me look fat?'...

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it...

the #1 reason a gun is favored over a woman...............


Girlie Wisdom

* Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

* One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 pounds.

* My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

* The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

* The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

* The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

* Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

* Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

* I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

* Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

* Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

* A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

* The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

* I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are - eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

* Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...

"You know, sometimes I forget to eat!"
.....Now, I've forgotten my address,
my mother's maiden name and my keys.
But I have never forgotten to eat. You have
to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!


There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat............

10% of women think their ass is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care,
they love him, he's a good man,
and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

Dance Off with the Star Wars Stars 2008

For Real?

Transformers shirt gets jet ban

From The Sun via Topless Robot