My grandma sends me many emails every day, most of them are jokes. I thought I'd share today's sampling.
Living Will
Last night my sister and I were sitting in
the den and I said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a
bottle to keep me alive. That would be no
quality of life at all... if that ever happens,
just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer,
and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? - ~~Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?- ~~ It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand Does either of you have a real grudge? ~~ No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean What are your relations like? - ~~All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - ~~We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? ~~ No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? ~~ No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce? ~~- She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? - ~~ I got proof.
What kind of proof? - ~~ She going to poison me.
Why do you say she is going to poison you?- ~~She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"
WHY MEN LIKE GUNS....
FOR ALL OF YOU GUYS THAT LIKE GUNS AND BELIEVE IN THE 2nd AMENDMENT. WHY MEN LIKE GUNS BETTER THAN WOMEN!!
Subject: Top 10 Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22...
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on-the-road...
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times...
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup...
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo....
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space...
#4 - A gun functions normally every day of the month...
#3 - A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these grips make me look fat?'...
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it...
AND.... the #1 reason a gun is favored over a woman...............
YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
Girlie Wisdom
* Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
* One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 pounds.
* My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
* The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
* The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
* The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
* Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
* Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
* I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.
* Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
* Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
* A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
* The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
* I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are - eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
* Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...
"You know, sometimes I forget to eat!" .....Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat............
10% of women think their ass is too skinny......
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
Well, I think I've made a decision. Rather than pay for 2 MMO's and only play one, I realized I need to decide on just one. For now, the winner seems to be Star Wars Galaxies. Vanguard was fun while it lasted, but I've basically maxed out my character and was finding the whole thing to be getting a little boring. I am by no means dogging the game. It's a lot of fun with a loyal, if not small, community. Even though I was bitterly disappointed by SWG in the past, it's made a bit of a resurgence. The devs have tried very hard to make the game more appealing and while the game I once loved is gone forever, what they've done to "fix" it has earned a second chance from me. It's with a heavy heart that I lay Vanguard to rest, but I'm afraid I must. I love ALL the friends I've made there and I'll miss each and every one of them. I'm lucky to have crossed their paths and hopefully, we'll all reunite again. Maybe I can convince one or two to join me in the Star Wars universe. This may be a tough task as some of the friends I met in VG were SWG refugees like myself. Who knows, maybe in a year or two I'll get bored with SWG and I'll try Vanguard again (if it's still around). Time will tell. ____________________________________________________________________
I've never had any delusions that I'm the only mom in the world who plays video games. In fact, I'm actually surprised there aren't more of us out there promoting the fact that we are "Gamer Moms". Fact is, I grew up in the perfect time to be absorbed into video gaming and so did a lot of other moms. I had an Atari 2600 (actually, I still have it), then NES (also still have it) and so forth and so on. Gaming was a huge part of my life. I'd go to school, go to dance lessons, come home and play Mario. One of the funniest photos of me as a kid is one my mom took of me playing Nintendo while still wearing my dance outfit (no I won't post it...ugh...how embarrassing). So, today I thought I'd share with you links to other "Gamer Mom" websites. We're all a little different, but there's a kinship for sure.
Gamermom.com got the best url and she's been blogging for a few years now...at least that's what I can tell from her archives.
This Gamer Mom is the "mother of all news, views and casual game reviews". While not updated recently, there is still a ton of good stuff there.
An ex-Jack Sparrow spills on his life at the Magic Kingdom Read the above article. It's pretty cool. I may or may not have mentioned that way-back-when, I worked at Disney World. While I wasn't a character, I had an unusual job and I performed all day long. Granted, I got to be myself, but still, I was in my own mini-spotlight. The oddest thing about the article is when he talks about the Annual Passholders. It's odd because I had almost forgotten about them. It's so true though, these people would come to the parks day after day and they quickly became regulars. I didn't like or dislike them more than any other guests, but I always found it a bit odd that they came to the same attraction so ofter and regularly.
How did I miss the fact that I have been floating at 99 posts for so long?!? This better be a good entry full of entertainment and special guest star appearances...
...
...
Um, well, you see the thing is, I hadn't really thought this through. I was just going to throw up a random post about the state of my video gaming life. Now, it just seems lame. Well, here are your celebrities, then you have to suffer and hear about me :)
Great! Soooo, onto gaming. I've been playing Vanguard: Saga of Heroes for over a year now. I've maxed out my main character and decided to start a new one. That's all well and good. But, it's getting a little boring. I think I've made a decision. I'm going to add Star Wars Galaxies back into the mix. I know, I know, it sucks, they ruined the game, blah blah blah. I can't help it. A good friend of mine has never given up on the game and still plays PLUS hubby would like to give it another shot. I think that now is the time to start all over with it and see what it's all about now. It's been so long since I've played that it'll be like playing a new game. I'll keep you posted on how it goes. I'm actually a little excited to give it another whirl. Oh! And on a personal(ish) note. THE RED WINGS ARE IN THE STANLEY CUP FINALS!!! And, I'll be getting paid to go to the games...I love my job.
A cool photo project at various locations using souvenirs as the subjects. _________________________________________________________________ Green Team!
_________________________________________________________________ OMG! I WANT THIS!!!
A recent post on Cynical-C made me look into airfare for our next trip to Florida. The post basically pointed out that flying is cheaper than driving. The point I was going to make in my comment to it was that if you're a family of 4, driving is definitely cheaper. I searched for airfare cost for our upcoming trip to Florida to prove my point and...I was wrong...at least this time. When I worked the numbers, the airfare was actually cheaper because of rising gas prices. I was shocked! To fly 4 people is actually very close in price to paying for gas/hotels along the way.
That's one of the great things about reading blogs. They make you think, sometimes they even make you change your mind on ideas that you are sure of.
So...thanks to Chris at Cynical-C for making me think. It's bloggers like him that prove the value of blogging to me.
Way back when…long, long ago, I took a semester off from college and drove down to Florida to work for The Mouse.It was one of the greatest experiences of my life.I’d go back to work there in a heartbeat, but the stars won’t seem to align that way for me.Instead of working there, I visit at least once a year.I look forward to that trip all year long.My kids look forward to it all year long.My husband [won’t admit that he] looks forward to it all year long.It’s a million things at WDW that make me love it.The weather, the smiles on my kids’ faces, the break from work, the rides and especially the cast members.
The whole atmosphere is, well, magical.I even find myself slipping back into cast member role and doing things that hubby finds rather odd, like offering to take pictures for strangers so the whole family can be in the shot.Hubby has suggested more than once that I get a tattoo that says “CM4L” (aka Cast Member For Life).I guess if I ever got a tattoo, that’s probably what it would say.
NOTE: Not a real tattoo
I’ve visited a ton of Disney sites and I belong to a mailing list which offers tons of great tips and news from the World.Today I was looking at a site I had been to many times before and I noticed something that I had never seen there before…I have no idea how I missed it…it’s as big as day on the main page!It’s just really cool, they have “Cast Member Appreciation Cards” that you can print.I know that in the past, if I’ve come across a great cast member, I’ve gone straight to Guest Relations and let them know about that person. I think in the future, I’ll do that AND give the cast member a little note.
I think that part of what I like about that is it seems that no one appreciates anything anymore.“Thank you’s” are in short supply lately.I think things would be a lot nicer if people expressed their appreciation more often.
I am such a slacker lately with the blog! To explain a little, when I was blogging more often it was because I had nothing to do at work. Lately, that's all changed...which is great! These photos were taken at some basketball games I worked at. The one above is a flaming pyrotechnic thing they do...I'm amazed I even got this shot because I used my phone to take the pic. The photo below is what my view looked like during the game that night.
So, funny story! I was looking at my annual raise from my day job which is usually 3%. I noticed that it wasn't quite right this year. I found out that instead of 3%, we got 2.25% raises. I shouldn't complain because some people in the world never get raises. I'm only amused by this fact because our new boss gave himself a 17% raise, now I know why they needed the .75% from us, sheesh!
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
Watch this video...no really...watch it. While not really "practical", this has to be one of the coolest inventions I've seen in a while.
About the sQuba "The new concept is described as the worlds first real car with the capabilities to not only drive on land but also dive underwater with the use of two propellers in the stern and two powerful jet drives in the bow which propel the vehicle."
Usually plays: Any RPG and/or "something you wouldn't understand" Favorite snacks: Dhalmel pie, Bland grilled shark fin (STA +1)
We relish any chance to talk shop about our favorite hobby with fellow gamers, except when we're confronted by one of these - a hyperventilating nerdlinger who looks at us like we're farting Philistines for wanting to pull off the occasional headshot or kickflip. With so much time spent indoors, they don't understand how low on the social ladder they rank, and how little the cultural impact of a spell-casting cat-person in a buckled leotard matters to anyone. We'd rather hang out with the ghost of Adolf Hitler then hear about the finer nuances of Lady Yuna's Tickle Summon.
Usurping the Throne of Snobbery from the once mighty record store employee, they've also donned themselves with some kind of omniscient Gate Keeper status, using their false sense of authority to talk unsubstantiated shit about anything you can't import from Japan.
"Do you have Grand Thef-" "Pedestrian!"
Next time, kick him in his Forgotten Scepter before he can sneer at his own, barely ironic, aside. We promise - he won't fight back.
IT’S 8 a.m., Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2008, and you are headed for a business appointment 300 mi. away. You slide into your sleek, two-passenger air-cushion car, press a sequence of buttons and the national traffic computer notes your destination, figures out the current traffic situation and signals your car to slide out of the garage. Hands free, you sit back and begin to read the morning paper—which is flashed on a flat TV screen over the car’s dashboard. Tapping a button changes the page.The car accelerates to 150 mph in the city’s suburbs, then hits 250 mph in less built-up areas, gliding over the smooth plastic road. You whizz past a string of cities, many of them covered by the new domes that keep them evenly climatized year round. Traffic is heavy, typically, but there’s no need to worry. The traffic computer, which feeds and receives signals to and from all cars in transit between cities, keeps vehicles at least 50 yds. apart. There hasn’t been an accident since the system was inaugurated. Suddenly your TV phone buzzes. A business associate wants a sketch of a new kind of impeller your firm is putting out for sports boats. You reach for your attache case and draw the diagram with a pencil-thin infrared flashlight on what looks like a TV screen lining the back of the case. The diagram is relayed to a similar screen in your associate’s office, 200 mi. away. He jabs a button and a fixed copy of the sketch rolls out of the device. He wishes you good luck at the coming meeting and signs off.
The Egg: When you start the game type in “Zelda” as you character name to unlock the 2nd quest mode. The System: NES Don’t expect to breeze through this game these monsters are tougher and items are more difficult to get.
Books could be written about everything that went wrong with Vanguard, and that's before you do any real digging into the early development mess, where the money bled off to, what EverQuest co-creator and Sigil CEO Brad McQuaid was doing through all of it, and what happened in the parking lot afterward. Shoved out the door way too early for what were admitted to be financial reasons, the game was just plain half-baked, plagued by enough bugs, missing content, and instability to compete with the very best of the worst. From little things like a "display hoods/helmets" option that didn't do anything because none of the hoods or helmets in the game even had any graphics to frequently previewed back-of-the-box features like flying mounts that didn't make it into the game until long, long after release.
Vanguard staggered away from its absolute train wreck of a launch and slowly, steadily recovered. These days, it's pretty well healed up and finally living up to promises that were made and broken long before. But it's still hard to forget that, until lately, players were paying for the privilege of participating in a really, really long beta.
OMG, I used to love this game.I spent hundreds of hours playing.It was awesome!I could play however I wanted.I started as an Entertainer, making it to Master Dancer/Master Musician.Then there was the ability to change classes…whenever I wanted.So I moved to Master Doctor/Master Pistoleer.Holy crap, that rocked!
THEN, Sony Online Entertainment (SOE) decided that the game wasn’t fun…not sure how they decided that, but they did.So, they introduced the “Combat Upgrade” which was quickly followed by the “New Game Experience”, later called “New Game Enhancements” aka NGE.That’s when they broke the game.They removed professions, they introduced a numbered leveling system and they forced you to group…on just about everything.OK, OK, grouping is fun.BUT, if there is nearly NO WAY to go out and solo, it’s very frustrating.There were times when I just wanted to go complete some missions on my own and I didn’t always feel like wasting an hour standing around yelling to form a pick up group (which almost always resulted in having some idiotic douche ruin it).The changes were so bad that TONS of subscribers left…immediately.I stuck it out, I had hoped it would get better, it didn’t.After a few more months of trudging through the game, I finally let it go.It was tough.I had tried a few other games of the MMORPG variety, but didn’t find anything I liked much.I’m currently playing Vanguard: Saga of Heroes and it’s really cool.I have fun and I’m able to solo or group and pretty much play however I want.But, you know what?If SWG were ever changed back to the original version of the game, I’d go back in a second.I miss it.
Call of the Day summed it up very well: "StarWars Galaxies was groundbreaking when it was released - it didn’t continue to flood the monotony that was the “run here. Kill/collect/deliver this. Run back. Repeat.” MMO market. It instead allowed you to do whatever the hell you wanted - some folks would never ever be caught in open combat. They’d simply stick to setting up resource refineries, selling on raw materials, building weapons, building houses, training creatures, joining bands - everything. And of course, if you wanted it your way, you could run around shooting everything in sight. And it was perfect. There was no set level system - everything experience related was down to how you played. You could be a master rifleman within a month, and stick with that if you were happy. And for those wanting a true grind - there was the Jedi quest. People have spent over a year on this grind, to finally be rewarded with an all-powerful character slot - the basic idea being that they can literally change the whole course of the game if they worked this hard.
And then SOE decided this system wasn’t working. Let’s make it “more iconic” they said. People like World of Warcraft. Let’s give them that. And so it started. Most of the non-grind classes were just removed from the game. The set levelling system (ala level one to seventy) took over. The results were so catastrophically bad that SOE have infact released a public apology for ruining an otherwise good game, and offered refunds to many players. Starwars Galaxies has now gone from one of the most populated games online to one that is slowly making its way towards retirement."
Cynical-C had a link to this today. The 2600 was my first system...and I still have it! Here's the entry for this system:
Atari VCS 2600 Released in 1977 The Atari 2600, released in 1977, is the first successful video game console to use plug-in cartridges instead of having one or more games built in. It was originally known as the Atari VCS, for Video Computer System, and the name "Atari 2600" (taken from the unit's Atari part number, CX2600) was first used in 1982, after the release of the more advanced Atari 5200.
The initial price was $199 with a library of 9 titles. In a play to compete directly with the Channel F, Atari named the machine the Video Computer System (or VCS for short), as the Channel F was at that point known as the VES, for Video Entertainment System. When Fairchild learned of Atari's naming they quickly changed the name of their system to become the Channel F.
Atari expanded the 2600 family with two other compatible consoles. The Atari 2700, a wireless version of the console was never released due to design flaws. The Sleek Atari 2800 released to the Japanese market in 1983 suffered from competition from the newly-released Nintendo Famicom.
There are tons of systems described, check it out and see how many you had!
I got started on consoles, but most of my gaming is limited to my PC now. I still love my Wii, though! I remember when I was young, I was SO jealous of my friends who had Intellivision, Colecovision, or any type of computer.
In order, I had/have: Atari 2600 (still own it) NES (still own it) Sega Genesis (still own it) Super NES (traded in to get N64) Nintendo 64 (still own it) Playstation2 (still own it) Wii (of course, still own it)
Last week I complained about a snow storm, today I am rejoicing in a beautifully sunny and (relatively) warm day!I’m sure it’ll cool down a little before spring actually arrives, but it’s days like this that really get me excited for warmer days.It’s really pushed me to seriously consider what type of landscaping I’ll do to my house.Since it’s new, we have NOTHING.I’m all over planting and nursery websites. I’m having the best time choosing the plants and trees that will adorn my front and backyard.
Not only all of that, but I’m also just plain happy today.Everyone around here is happy today.I think it’s all those months of clouds and cold that make us a bunch of crabs all winter.Now that the sun is shining and I don’t have to bundle up to walk to the car, I feel a sense of relief.
I’ve found some useful spring maintenance tips from State Farm.I’m not a client and this isn’t an ad, they just have some good things to think about on there.
It’s getting to be spring cleaning time and I found a real estate agent who offers a ton of tips and tricks for getting it done effectively.
6)BONUS: Liberal use of “God Bless” or other religious phrasing
I’m selling a couple things on Craigslist right now and today I’ve lured a scammer into my domain.I generally like to mess with them for a while and waste their time so they have less time to mess with the more naïve sellers.What I do isn’t original, nor my idea.I just love hearing the stories about this stuff so I thought I’d have my own fun.
Here are places you can read more stories like mine:
This isn’t my first foray into this activity, I’ve wasted time on it before, but I usually get bored with it and let it die.Luckily for me, today’s contestant is responding fairly quickly which is keeping me interested.
The following is the “conversation” between the scammer and myself.Unfortunately, they didn’t last as long as I’d hoped.Ah well, it was fun while it lasted.
I think the amount you want to sell it is OK by me, I will want you to provide me with your paypal account for the payment to be send immediately or if did not have paypal account provide me your Full name and Address so that i will send the money through Money Order. so you don't need to bother yourself regarding the shipping charge. Waiting to hear from you. Mrs.Pauline Tanson
Wow, full price!Amazing.First they want my bottom line, now the asking price is A-ok!Fab!
From: Me
Date: Thu, Mar 6, 2008 at 12:48 PM
I have a paypal account associated with this email address. I will also need to know where you are located so I can tell you how to pick up this item or tell you how much shipping will cost.
Praise the Lord
I so wanted them to tell me they were in Nigeria!I knew that’s where they were, I just needed them to say it…for my own sake at least.I’ve also decided that they will get a new religious blessing at the end of each email.
Hi, Kindly understand that am not in the country now,but i will pay you with the shipping fee and when you get it you ship it for my daughter. God bless
So, I’m getting closer!“not in the country now”…HA!Not ever!
From: Me
Date: Thu, Mar 6, 2008 at 1:27 PM
OK, well I will still need to know where I'm shipping the item so I can send it to your daughter.
Jesus is the Lord
No response…so I ramp it down a notch.
From: Me
Date:Thu, Mar 6, 2008 at 3:07 PM
All I need is a zip code so I can check USPS for the shipping costs. You can get me any other pertinent information later.
Oh mercy, that's a long ways away! What in heaven's name is your daughter doing in Africa? Is she a missionary? I pray for her as I hear there are many souls that need saving in Nigeria! You know they say a lot of scam artists are there? I hope your daughter is praying to our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ to watch over her.
I've looked it up and shipping to Nigeria is $308.49 (That's a LOT of money to send such a little box!)
Jesus is my co-pilot
I assume I’m done with this one, no response.Maybe I over did it a little.But it was fun!
The above is the view out my window at work.I’m getting sick of this crap.It’s March 5th for crying out loud!This is how our winter has been this year:Inches of Snow ->Days of Bitter Cold -> 1 Day Warm Enough to Melt Snow -> Inches of Snow…Repeat until fully frustrated.
I’m not a fan of winter, but I have to live in the wintry place because I have kids who have grandparents who live in the wintry place. I suffer for the children!
Another thing about winter that bothers me…shoveling.Here’s the deal, I don’t even shovel our snow, that’s hubby’s job.BUT, when he’s done shoveling, he’ll come in and complain about how heavy it is and he’s tired and sore.EVERY TIME I tell him to buy a snowblower.His response: “You don’t by a snowblower in winter”.Um, ok, I’ll wait until we have an outside temp of 88 degrees then?This logic makes zero sense to me, especially since we live in an area where snowblowers are usually sold out/unavailable after 1 month of snowy crap…leaving 2 months (at least) to deal with the snow SANS SNOWBLOWER.
This winter the western half of the U.S. got its worst weather in history, and the eastern half some of its mildest. The U.S. Weather Bureau, looking on the dark (or cold) side, regards the 1948-49 winter as the hardest ever—worse in most respects than the winter of 1937. The records are not all in (spring does not come officially until March 21), but already the bureau has a fine collection of weather aberrations and never-befores.
Ah, I love winter humor…
Old Home
We purchased an old home in NorthernNew YorkState from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter.”
The internet is a dazzling place, full of wonder and sparkle. It's a funny place, though. There are rules and guidelines and tutorials. I'm still amazed that after having the internets around so long, my parents are still SO CLUELESS. My parents manage to completely break their computers once every year or so and because of this, I have to "reconnect" them to the interweb. The funny thing is, they don't have a network, and they don't have dial-up...they have DSL. They refuse to believe me when I tell them that with DSL they are always online, too! My mom insists that she will need the latest version of AOL so she can get on the internet and check her email. NOTHING I say can change her mind on that. She is right and I am stupid...which is why I have to hook them back up to the internets.
Unwritten Rule 1: When in doubt, create a link that reads "click here."
In the Internet's early days, when people were trying to create momentum on a Web page, it was necessary to instruct people what to do and where to do it. So, the "click here" hyperlink was born. It's overstayed its welcome.
People know what to do when they see a hyperlink. Telling them to "click here" is equivalent to placing road signs every couple of yards that read "Stay on the road."
Example following the rule:
The X-Arcade 2 Player is guaranteed for life. To read our lifetime warranty, click here.
Now, let's break the rule:
See how your X-Arcade 2 Player is guaranteed for life.
Unwritten Rule 2: Use lots of "more info" links.
People want more info, right? But info about what? It seems adding a few extra words to the "more info" hyperlink is cost-prohibitive. No one seems willing to tell me what info I'll get when I click the link. Do those extra few letters cost money?
Example of following that rule:
Microsoft Word is the industry-standard word processor. It has a seemingly endless number of features, each designed to help you be more productive while creating and revising documents. More Info
Let's break the rule:
Microsoft Word is the industry-standard word processor. See Microsoft Word's seemingly endless number of features, each designed to help you be more productive while creating and revising documents.
Which is more persuasive?
Unwritten Rule 3: Use as many vague hyperlinks as possible, such as "read more," "continue reading," and "next."
Same as rule 2. What will I be reading more about? Why can't you tell me what will happen when I click?
Instead of "Read more," why not "Read more about how this Magic Widget can help you work smarter and faster"?
Instead of "Continue reading," why not "Continue reading this article"?
Tell people specifically what happens next: "Next: enter your billing information."
GamerHelp 666:10, 1st Commandment Thou Shalt Not Be Offended by Harsh Language It's going to happen. Somewhere, somehow, in the future, someone you're playing a game with online is going to say "holy flying greased Jesuses, we're being attacked by flying ass-rapists from the abortionist dimension!" Or something like that. Anyone who's ever been on Xbox Live knows that 90% of the words in the English language either begin or end with the F-word.
Therefore, it is entirely pointless to get offended by anything anyone says during gameplay. For Christ's sake, we're all playing games in which we blow each other into little bloody bits, does it really make sense to be offended by cursing amidst the carnage?
GamerHelp 666:11, 2nd Commandment Thou Shalt Keep Holy the Sabbath Sunday, SUN-day SUNDAY! To hell with church. Sunday is for gaming. It is only day of the week when you can really assure yourself that you've got nothing else going on from morning to night. Or at least, that's the way it should be. Saturday nights are for drinking, Friday nights are for chasing tail, but Sunday is for staying in and shooting zombies.
GamerHelp 666:12, 3rd Commandment Thou Shalt Not Take Bad Endings Lightly No longer must we suffer from craptacular endings like the ones we once endured on the NES. The credits certainly fit in well at the end of the game, but if all you get when a game is over is a long list of the people who made it and a sappy love song, then it's time to write an email to the developers. For too long have we humans put up with shitty endings in our video games. For developers, this is usually done because they're rushing to complete other aspects of the game before ship date. But for players, it's the ultimate insult to all of our efforts. It's not as though adding in a few clips or jokes at the end is impossible or all that time consuming.
Take Capcom's God Hand. Rather than just playing the credits at the end, this game gives us credits AND clips of the game's characters dancing away to the theme music. Adding in this type of clip didn't take a whole lot of effort: just clip the character models to the body joints of a motion-captured dancer, and voila! These endings don't have to be over the top or exceptionally long. But they should show a little bit of creativity, god dammit! Think Pixar's out takes. think Star Control II's final interviews with each of the space races. Think ToeJam and Earl wandering around Funkitron! Think of something other than "You Win. Game Over!"
GamerHelp 666:13, 4th Commandment Thou Shalt Gloat Halo players know that the ultimate in defeat is being tea-bagged. When you've killed someone in an online game, it's not just time to turn around and hunt for the next victim. It's time to turn on the mic and laugh triumphantly, like a retarded janitor with a bagel in his nose. Don't be afraid to hit the taunt button, or to run over to that dead Heavy Weapons Guy, and do your little Pyro happiness dance. While it's certainly not recommended that you start getting your racist on, or to joke about their mom, it is entirely appropriate to say that they've been "0wnzor3d."
GamerHelp 666:14, 5th Commandment Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Rig Not all of us can afford a $3000 computer. Neither, too, can we all buy a 360, a PS3 and a Wii. Rather than drooling over your friends' good fortune at having all of these things, the true gamer simply goes to GameStop or the local Goodwill to find some last generation goodness for 5 bucks a hit. Why, there are thousands of games out there that you've never played, and most of them aren't current generation technology. Better still, go online to a site like Abandonia or the TheUnderdogs.com to download abandoned games for your PC for free. Or, even better still, go get an emulator and try out those NES games you never got a chance to play as a kid. Thou shalt not waste rent money on an Xbox 360 when thou can just as easily buy 30 games for the original Xbox for the same price.
GamerHelp 666:15, 6th Commandment Thou Shalt Not Name Thyself After Thy Own Birthday Gamer tags aren't so easy to come up with anymore. With thousands of gamers out there registering their nicknames with Xbox Live, or in your favorite MMO, it's a fair chance that your first choice of nickname is already taken. But while all the good ones may seem to have been taken, that is no excuse to name yourself "Steve71685" or "Robert1013". These types of names only make you look like an inbred newbie from West Virginia. There are plenty of good names left out there, and only the ones in Leet Speak, or mimicing a license plate need to have numbers in them. Try using names like "BiscuitOfRage" or "MonkeyButtLuv" or "HalfALoafUvKungFu" or "StonedGnome" or "BackPimplesRossario" or "St00pidDoucher" or "StudBeefPile" or "LunchBox" or any of the thousands of other possibilities! Get creative! Do something original. And for god's sake, keep your f**cking birthday out of your name!
GamerHelp 666:16, 7th Commandment Thou Shalt Not Use FAQs Unless Thou Art Stuck For GamerHelp, it's all about the FAQs, of course. But you should never go running through those FAQs unless you are specifically stuck somewhere. There is no form of life on this Earth that is lower than that dood who buys a new game and the walkthrough guide at the same time at GameStop. First of all, FAQs are free online, idiot. Second of all, You're probably one of those assholes who sits in front of the TV with the game running and the walkthrough open to page one. It's not a f'ing game if you just read what to do next every time you complete a task, dumbass. Close the book, and figure it out yer damn self.
GamerHelp 666:17, 8th Commandment Thou Shalt Watch Your Buddy's Back When playing games online, don't let your buddies get back stabbed. It's not cool and it's not friendly. What's the point of playing online with other people if you can't even trust your own teammates to keep you from being being pistol whipped from behind? Keep those eyes open, and watch those corners. You know it's going to happen at some point, and even if you can't stop the guy from attacking, you can at least call out to your pal and say "look out behind you!" Remember, this online gaming thing isn't really worth a damn if the people you play with run off into the enemy base every time they respawn, like some digitized Rambo with a chip on his shoulder.
GamerHelp 666:18, 9th Commandment Thou Shalt Not Take Gaming Too Seriously We've all been there: you're on a server playing with a bunch of people you've never seen before. The enemy team captures your flag, and someone on your team blows up in a screaming rage over the lack of teamwork. This man (and they are always men) is way too involved. Games are supposed to be fun, not work. If you're really that worried about how the red team does in the next round, spend your time talking strategy, not yelling into the mic about how "Joe3216" is a complete idiot who shouldn't be playing the game at all. This isn't pickup football on the playground, and we don't get to pick teams. You're always going to be saddled with some douche-bag who has one arm and no ears, so just resign yourself to sitting down and trying to work with what you've got. Besides, the feeling of accomplishment is much greater when you win a round knowing that your team is made up entirely of 12 years olds with no thumbs and cleft palettes.
GamerHelp 666:19, 10th Commandment Thou Shalt Save Early, and Save Often There aren't too many games, these days, that remove points or bonuses from the player based on the number of times they save. This used to be something of a common practice, back when game developers saw the player as a toy with which to play and squeeze. But today, developers know better. They know we all hate running through the same corridor 33 times and dying on the same jump over and over again. That's why they offer more save spots, save-anywhere features, and on-the-fly difficulty adjustments. With all these wonderful helpers, however, there are still gamers who like to live on the edge. When the scene ends and the level is over, they say "NO" to "Do you want to save?" They don't use the save rooms, and they never turn the machine off. These are the maniacs who try to beat Final Fantasy XII in one sitting. And these are the people we do not want to emulate. Save early, save often. You never know when the power may go out and you'll be stuck trying to kill the same goddamn monsters over and over again.
